Words often flow easily for me, often faster than my fingers can type them. Whether they are words of encouragement, explanation, or insight, I have rarely had trouble expressing myself through writing. For the last several years, words have been my way to process both the good and not so good that come with living life. As I type now, the words are not flowing, they are hard to find, and harder still to put together.
I want my words to convey the depth of emotion that I feel. I want my words to help others feel connected to a picture bigger than themselves. I want my words to honor and glorify God. Then there is that part of me that also wants my words to please people so they will say nice things about me. Between what I want and the difficulty of finding the words to express my thoughts and ideas, I haven’t written since December. Blogs have posted since then, at least one, but it the words were forced like a college essay due the next day.
Today I write, in an attempt to start the flow of words again. I write to try and place together thoughts and ideas that express what I am feeling and thinking. I write to try and regain the joy and freedom I found in writing.
Last year was incredibly difficult in many ways. In stark contrast, it was also full of the most amazing blessings. This year has been a near duplicate. Unimaginable blessings combined with deep caverns of pain. Neither of which I have been able to express in words, neither of which have been fully celebrated or fully healed. My brain and my heart are having immense trouble trying to weave the two together.
Right now, my heart is raw. Words said by others carry with them immense weight to either heal or hurt. Actions of others have that same weight. My soul is longing for rest, for renewal for restoration. I believe that all of that is coming. I believe that God will heal the wounds that have been ripped open. I believe that God will provide a way out from the deep pits of pain. In between the time that is coming and reality of now, I hope you will hang in there with me. There is beauty waiting on the other side, and I can’t wait to share it.
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