What Eighteen Looks Like

“Remember every moment. It goes by so fast. Cherish each minute you have with them.” Just some of the well meaning suggestions spoken to me when I became a first time Mom. Remembering and cherishing – both really important tasks for a new parent.
For a mother who has memory issues already, however, it becomes one more thing to stress about. Have I taken enough pictures? Have I written enough in his journal? One thing I remember very clearly was holding that baby in my arms and begging God to help me remember. I do not remember every single event. To be quite honest, I don’t know that I want to. What I do remember is his face the first time we out him in a swing. His eyes, his smile, his body langauge all showed immense joy that is difficult to explain. I remember sitting on the couch for hours holding him because, what better feeling is there then to hold your baby? I remember how he loved Thomas the Tank Engine and for awhile trains became our world. I remember that his allegiance switched to fire trucks and that has remained to this day. I remember the funny stories that we tell all the time. I remember a birthday party with only two special friends because everyone else was snowed in. My memories are many and each one makes me smile. While I don’t remember each detail, I remember just enough. I know this, the harder I tried to capture the moment instead of being present in the moment, the less I remember. Don’t stress about every detail – be fully present as often as possible and the memories will stick.

I believed people when they said it went by fast. Every year older I become, the faster time goes. In the beginning, it seemed as though he grew too fast, he learned too fast, and he changed too fast. Then we hit a lull. Being a stay at home Mom is still one of the best decisions we have made and the source of incredible joy. Time, though, didn’t seem to move as fast when he was young. I gave heard it said that the days go by slowly but the years go by fast. This is much more true to my experience. Maybe it was because you can only watch an episode of Thomas the Tank engine so many times before it becomes an activity you dread. Perhaps it is that making breakfast, and then lunch, cleaning up in between, cleaning him up in between, and all the daily routines become monotonous about 100 times in. Still, each new milestone was a reminder that time does not stand still. That each passing day was in fact moving quickly. Then came kindergarten. From that moment on, the moment where he didn’t need me to take him, he would just ride the bus, time has gained momentum. At this point we are speeding down the hill at break neck speed. He wouldn’t have it any other way. He has classes to take, and trucks to learn to drive, and people to save. Each day gets him one step closer to being a firefighter who has to focus on nothing but his passion. Mommas, when the days seem endless and the nights sleepless, hang in there. It gets better and it gets faster, quickly.
Here is where the honesty in me really comes out. I don’t miss all the moments. I didn’t cherish changing diapers and I am not sorry. I didn’t cherish cooking chicken nuggets everyday and I am not sorry. I did not cherish every moment because some of them weren’t worth cherishing. What I did – and do – cherish is him. I have never, for one minute, not been grateful to call him son. I cherish every hug, every deep conversation, and everytime we laugh together. I hold him close to my heart all the time. I cherish the baby that had big blue eyes and puffy cheeks and a laugh so perfect we would do almost anyyhing to hear it. I cherish the big brother who has always protected, and yes, annoyed, his little sister. I cherish the little boy whose words always seemed to be far beyond his age. I cherish the boy who went from class to class, even though he is incredibly shy, to present his research on the tragedy of 9-11 because it meant so much to him. I cherish the teenager who will jump to a teacher’s defense, who always attempts to include everyone, and who can totally jam put to exceptional music. I cherish the child that God gave us – but mommas – don’t try to force yourself to cherish things like potty-training. It just isn’t going to happen. Instead cherish the little moments that make your heart sing and the person your child is becoming.
Here we are, at one of those major milestones that mothers dread. The time has come and gone, my boy is officially an adult. As I weep, just thinking about all that implies, all that has happened along the journey, and all that is to come, it is a mixture of joy and sadness. It is the perfect example of bittersweet. I miss my baby, my toddler, my kiddo and yet I am so proud of the person he has become. I miss holding him in my lap, but I love watching him fulfill his dreams. I miss the moments we have had over the years, but not nesry as much as I am excited about the moments to come. So today, I will celebrate my favorite boy. I will celebrate all the joy and learning he has brought to our family. I will celebrate that he is kind, compassionate, dedicated, and passionate. I will celebrate that we have been able to have 18 full years with this gift from God. I will celebrate Wesley and be grateful he wants to celebrate with me.