Truth Instead of Hiding

Depression is stupid and I hate it. I hate how it has hurt those I love. I hate how it has ravaged my heart. My greatest wish and hope is to be free from the darkness that plagues me.

The destruction it leaves in its path is devastating for all caught in it. I am well aware that those who walk this road with me, suffer with me too. If I knew what to do to keep the pain from hurting anyone else, I promise I would do it. I am grateful to those of you who love me, support me, and encourage me through all of my ups and my downs. I know how hard it is to live with this disease, I can only imagine how exhausting and hurtful it is to walk with someone through it.

I also know from the outside, it must make absolutely no sense. Sometimes it seems as though I am fine and then suddenly everything changes. I want you to know that there is never a day I don’t try. I fight and I claw, I cling to the truth. I praise and I pray, I read and I work towards healing. I do everything I know to do to keep the darkness at bay. Some days it’s enough and somedays it’s not.

Somedays I can plow through all of the pain and do what needs to done. Somedays I am trapped and there just isn’t a key that will free me. There is no day that is easy. There is no day that I don’t want to show up, to be me, to rise above my brain and be free.

It would seem, even to me, that I should be better by now. Oh, how I wish that was true, but for whatever reason it is not. I’ll keep trying, I’ll keep fighting, but for now this is where I’m at.

I know that some will disapprove of my sharing this truth with the world. Some will think I am seeking attention, or asking for pity. I promise you I want neither. I’d much rather hide or create an excuse, but this is my truth as I see it.

Others will wonder how this darkness can go together with my faith. All I know is that I love my God and I choose to trust that there is a purpose.

My why behind these words is two-fold. First, I want the people whom I have hurt and let down that that is not what I wanted. It will never be on purpose. Second, the writing of these words and sharing them with others, somehow gives me hope and it helps me cope with the pain.

I do not write these words to scare or worry anyone. I have been in this same place for almost a year – I am just choosing today to explain it.

If you are reading these words and can identify with them, if these words ring true for you as well, hold onto hope. No matter how thin the strand, hold on. As a dear friend said to me tonight, “Do the next right thing.” And another friend, “Put one foot in front of the other.” This battle we face feels impossible. I try to remember that while this clouds so much, those moments where it lifts, those moments of joy, are worth the battle. Keep fighting.