The State of My Heart

Tidbits of Truth

When I left my job in December of 2018, the goal was to work toward the dreams God had given me. Scrambling around this week for ways to replace the income that I lost in December, it occurred to me that I had not made very much progress toward those goals. I’ve done some incredible stuff, like creating Truth Markers and speaking to group of women in January. What I haven’t done much of is writing. Since writing and speaking are the two dreams that I believe God has set in my heart, I’m thinking that writing words and sharing them would be helpful to the process.

To that end, welcome to Tidbits of Truth.  A wee bit of truth to encourage and exhort you in your walk with Christ.

Last week was a terribly hard week for me. My brain works far differently than that of a rational person. Depression has caused it to automatically assume the worst, fear what might happen, and believe that all hope has been permanently snatched away. It takes lots of prayer, the right dose of the right medicine, a lot of fighting to see and know the real truth. I have a whole list of activities that make my sad and hopeless brain into one that processes truth realistically. Walking, spending time in the sun, talking to friends and family (and being present enough to listen), and reading God’s Word are all actions that help my brain and my heart. I could also write out a list of activities that contribute to my feeling worthless and hopeless. Last week, I got stuck amongst those negative behaviors and I sunk deep into depression.

Many people have told me that depression is anger not expressed. I agree with that premise but would also add some fear to the mix. Both emotions manifested themselves in big ways. Frustrated that there appeared to be no positive results coming from all my efforts, I got angry, very, very angry. The kind of angry that makes me cry, scream, and/or just give up completely. Most of last week was spent screaming at crying out to God. “Where are You? How come You haven’t made all the things work together the way I wanted? What do You want from me? Why aren’t You blessing the efforts I am making? How can You let Your child fail fall?” I was mad and I had no desire to keep it from Him. My cries were accusatory and full of blame.

Being mad at God is not easy for me. My faith is the number one defense against depression, hopelessness, and anger. My faith brings me peace, joy, and hope. When I am blaming God for everything that I am unhappy with, then I have lost the very faith I normally lean on. With no anchor to hold on to, no trust that He was working in my life, and no belief that He was doing what was good for me, I became scared. I felt utterly alone and surrounded by darkness.

Going to church amid my fear and anger at least felt like something that was safe. I sung worship songs and felt my heart begin to re-adjust. The truth of who He is and what He has already done for me began to slowly sink down into my brain and my heart. Then, our pastor started to speak. Let me explain a little bit about my pastor. He is kind, compassionate, and cares deeply for his church family. He also knows that the best way to love and support us is to preach the truth of the Bible. He doesn’t twist words to promise us that God will grant all our wishes if we just follow the rules. He doesn’t skip the parts that he knows will be uncomfortable because cares about us too much to sugar coat the truth. This week he spoke from John 2:18-25.

Here’s what hit me straight in the gut. Jesus knows our hearts. He knows what we are thinking, what amount of faith we have, and whether we are looking for Him to work miracles that make us comfortable and happy, or looking to Him because He is our Savior and Lord. “But Jesus on His part did not entrust Himself to them, because He knew all people.” (John 2:24) Our pastor reminded us that God will reveal the condition of our hearts to us. He stated that we must stop playing games and be open with God – allowing Him to shine His light on our hearts. God used those words to help me see what was really happening in my heart. These words are from my sermon notes – but they are ones that God spoke to my heart after hearing the truth. “Perhaps this week has been about revealing the condition of my heart. That I don’t trust Him to take care of me. My joy is not fully from Him. I know it – and I need to move past this. I either trust Him or I don’t, circumstances are temporary. He is eternal.”

Suddenly, I was flooded with peace and hope. I still don’t have all the answers. I still don’t know the exact way it is all going to work out. What I do know is that I am going to choose to trust my God. I am going to remember the ways in which He has cared for me before. I am going to focus on who He is rather than my circumstances. I am going to have the faith to believe that He will do what is good for me and what brings Him glory. I am going to praise Him because He deserves it and not just when I get my way. I am climbing back up on the Rock and I am going to hold tight to Him until these circumstances pass.

Tidbit of truth: we need to open our hearts and allow God to shine His light. It might not be pretty, but better to see our sin and repent than continue to walk down a path that leads to darkness and disaster.