My goal in writing for thirty one straight days is to honestly share my journey with others. My hope is that those who are struggling too will know they are not alone and find some encouragement in my words. In addition, I want to explain to people who do not struggle with depression the truth of what the struggle looks like from the inside.
The truth is hard to hear and even harder to live. Admitting the truth of how we struggle means there is one less thing we have to hide. One less burden we have to bear. Here is my truth.
Depression means that everything is hard. Getting out of bed, taking a shower, and brushing my teeth takes immense effort. Everything that follows is difficult as well. Everything. Depression means that what used to bring me joy and laughter no longer has those benefits. It means I don’t want to do anything. It means that the answer to the question, “How are you?” is almost impossible to answer. Bad is not descriptive enough and words that would be descriptive enough cannot be exchanged in small talk. Depression means that there are always tears threatening to spill over my cheeks. It doesn’t matter whom I am with or where I am, the tears are always close. Depression means that I can’t see my way out. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel because the darkness is so thick. Depression means that I have no energy to do basic routines much less anything extra. Depression means I know that I bringing others down with me which makes me feel like a burden. Depression means that every single minute of every single day I am sad and hurt and angry.
What is also true is that depression is a season. It does have an end even if I can’t see it in the moment. There always comes a day where I laugh and feel joy again, where I can see the light shining brightly in front of me. Depression is never the end of the story. Hope is bigger and stronger than the depression. Hope that God will be close to the broken hearted. Hope that He will break through the darkness and pull me to Himself. He is the way, the truth, and the life and even in a season of depression I hold on to Him and He rescues me.
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