Rare is the occasion when I can sing, Blessed Be Your Name, and not cry. I first heard that song the year I met J. J was two when we met him. To help his grandmother, and because I fell in love with him almost immediately, we kept him at our house when she would travel for work. Sometimes it was just a couple of days, sometimes over a week. As he grew and time passed, he became my son. I knew in my heart that he was ours. I prayed that his grandmother would see it as well and let us adopt him. Over a year into our arrangement she dropped him off for a weeks stay, adding that when she came to get him she hoped we would join her for dinner with his soon to be adopted parents. The words to the refrain, “He gives and takes away” had not been fully understood until that moment. Eleven years later, I can still see, smell, and hear my precious boy as we said goodbye. The song will always be attached to his memory and the pain of losing him.
At the age of 13, I steadfastly refused to sing the song, Amazing Grace, because God would never call me a wretch. When I came to know Jesus as my Savior I felt such shame for not only not singing the song, but for not understanding the depths of my wretchedness. It has become an anthem for me and every time I sing it, I am reminded of how deeply I need a Savior, how hard He fought to gain my love, and the unexplainable sacrifice He gave to save me. Often that reminder is accompanied by tears.
No song do I want to be more true, from the depths of my spirit than, It Is Well With My Soul. Having fought depression for as long as I have, the one thing I seek more than any other is peace. Knowing that Heaven is my true home and I will be in the presence of my Savior should be enough to be able to say, it is well with my soul. Far too often however, it is not well with my soul. Not even close. My soul is crying out for the peace only God can give with a desperation that mimics that of someone crying out after losing what is most precious to them. I sing this song with belief, with the knowledge that one day it will be true from the core of my spirit to the tips of my toes. Yet, often it breaks me as I am so vividly aware that the time has not yet come.
This morning at church we sang all three of these songs. All. Three. My face and my neck were covered with tears as they streamed down my face without stopping for even a moment. My heart began to soften as the pain mixed with gratitude and longing. I see now that God was preparing my heart and my ears for the words He was going to speak over me through the sermon. He knew how high I had built the walls of protection around my heart and how easily I could hear without actually listening.
Our pastor is going verse by verse through the book of Hebrews. Todays verses spoke about how Jesus is better than the High Priests of old. How He has made the final blood sacrifice needed to free us from our sin. Our pastor takes about how Jesus took our guilt. Then he took from the text what I could not have predicted. He spent the next 25 minutes talking about guilt and shame. He stated that Jesus died for our guilt and so that also took away our shame. Near his closing he read a story of a wife who had been molested as a child and raped as a young woman. Without knowing, he spoke out loud the source of my deeply embedded shame. He went on to say that when she told her husband instead of leaving her he bought her a white nightgown to show her that all he saw was her purity. I was undone. Completely and totally broken.
That husband modeled what Christ has done for us. When God sees a believer, He sees only Christ’s righteousness. We have been washed as clean as snow. We are pure because Christ is pure. Why would I hold onto shame when Christ has offered me complete righteousness in Him? With my heart softened and my ears listening, He once again spoke healing into my heart and it washed over me with a new wave of understanding. My head is still processing the implications of letting go of shame. Letting go of shame, not in part, but in whole. I don’t yet know exactly what that is going to look like lived out. I do know that He is not giving up on me. He is determined to bring me full and complete healing. Today was a huge step in that direction.”
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