Nothing I do is ever good enough. Ever. At least as far as I am concerned. No one has ever said to me, “That entry is so ugly.” Yet, almost every time I complete a Bible journaling page I hate it. I pick it apart easily and quickly. Often, I then spend hours trying to figure out how I can make it better. Rarely, am I able to fix it in the ways I wish. Many times, however, when I come back to that page a few days later, I am able to see the good in it. I am able to find bits and pieces that I like. More importantly, I also remember that my journaling in my Bible is not about winning an art contest. It is about spending time in His Word and worshipping Him from deep within my soul. He isn’t worried about the finished product, He is interested in the quality time.
I have read it and heard it in each group, lesson, and video, “Don’t compare yourself to others. It is about spending time with God.” Yet, I have spent the last two years demeaning myself because I am not as good as others. Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” How often I see and hear those words as well. In fact, I believe those words because they are true. Tonight, I am wondering why I can’t let it go, this comparison game, this putting down of everything I do. Why can’t I just enjoy the time I spend with God and let His peace wash over me.
Part of it is that I have had people tell me how wrong I was, how bad I was at something, and how I should never be an artist (this came from a 4th grade art teacher). In truth, we all have. All individuals have faced criticism that was in no way constructive. Some of those people have developed a way to not let the naysayers control how they feel about their work. That’s my goal. That’s where I want to be when I finish a project. I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know exactly how to make the switch. I do know that reminding myself of my purpose helps. Enjoying the process rather than the product also helps. Writing this blog post is a way of processing truth as well.
This morning, my incredible husband, gave me watercolors in my Easter basket. Yes, we still do Easter baskets, I told you that holidays are very important to me. I was so excited to use them that I went straight to my Bible and started painting. Looking back, it might would have been a good idea to practice with them first. Still, I was rejoicing in the resurrection of my Savior. I spent time meditating on His glory and His majesty. No, I am not happy with how it turned out. I hope that when I go back in a few days that I can find some good in it. Until then, I will be grateful for a husband who loves me well and the time I spent worshipping Jesus.
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