Empty

Sitting limp in the chair, staring out the window, aimlessely seeking peace, a flash of blue flew past. My heart jumped into my throat and my breath caught in the mix. A desperate, pleading prayer of just the word, “please” was uttered from the depths of my pain. I needed it to be a blue jay, so much so that I was terrified to look again for fear that what I had seen was only a mirage of sorts. Having just pleaded with God for a drink in the midst of the dry, cracked emptiness of my soul, it was almost to much to bear. All my hope was gathered on the tiniest speck of something blue.

Just as I began to feel the lonliness creep in again, that speck of blue appeared again. This time there was no wondering. A stunning blue jay flew straight towards my window, assuring me that I was indeed not alone. *”I see you,” my heart spoke silently.* A sob rose up and cried out to my God, “I miss her.” My tone was equal parts anger, accusation, and grief. In that moment the dam burst, and barely able to breathe, I cried until I could no longer shed a tear.

Grief has no hard and fast rules. It has no timetable by which it must comply. Sometimes the grief that is so pressing in the now, combines with grief of a loss long since past. A wave washes over every aching part and threatens to pull you under. But, God. Somehow He reaches down and with a steady and strong had pulls us from the waves and into His safe and loving arms. Though the pain rips through your body and leaves you raw, the feel of His presence pours healing over every wound. In what seems like the briefest of time, what was undoubtedly going to tear you apart, has brought you to the one place where it cannot.

I sat down in that chair empty and seeking, I stood up emptier. I lost the red hot anger that was growing with every thought, I lost the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness,  and I lost the tears that had been building up day after day after day. My body was exhausted and I could barely stay awake, but having been freed from the emotions piling up inside me, I am now ready to be filled. Lord, fill me with Your love, Your presence, and Your hope.

*When my mother in law passed, I was devastated. She loved me deep and well. She and I talked for hours about Jesus and learned from each other.  I knew a day never passed that she wasn’t praying for me. She treated me like a princess and I miss her smile and her hugs every single day. Somehow, God and I came to the understanding that birds that were blue were a reminder of her. It was such a gift.*